Have a Donut You Fat Bitch!

I hope you can read the flyer on this lovely box of donuts delivered to me this morning by my friend the South Beach Saboteur. This flyer is for a local franchise of a women's fitness facility. You know, because if you buy donuts you must need that. I wonder if the store manager will ever figure out what a colossal co-op marketing failure this is? I know him so I somehow doubt it.

Have a Laugh...

I want to say that I'm not necessarily a Hillary supporter, but Tina Fey? Smart and Hilarious!

Kid Picture? Knit Picture? You Decide!

My cute little knitwear model
Originally uploaded by lisamarie51

The Great Khan models the finished Fibonacci Scarf. It really drapes nicely after I blocked it. My mom seems quite happy I gave it to her.

Because I'm funny like this:

The boys were making up the 12 Days of Christmas for their Papa and I decided to help. Sarge thought it was funny so I thought I'd share. Here goes:

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a Remington 223.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me a 2 X 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven millimeter rifle, six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 arrow broadheads, seven millimeter rifle, six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Glock 9 mil pistol, 8 arrow broadheads, seven millimeter rifle, six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 10 compound bows, Glock 9 mil pistol, 8 arrow broadheads, seven millimeter rifle, six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 11 grand slam bow hunts, 10 compound bows, Glock 9 mil pistol, 8 arrow broadheads, seven millimeter rifle, six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve turkeys clucking, 11 grand slam bow hunts, 10 compound bows, Glock 9 mil pistol, 8 arrow broadheads, seven millimeter rifle, six fun safaris, Five GUN Cases! Four big buck tags, three hollow points, 2 x 10 power scope and a Remington 223.

And if that doesn't convince you that I'm a closet heathen redneck, perhaps this will:

Our Brett Favre, who art at Lambeau
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy pass thrown, thy game be won
At home as it is away.
Give us this day a victory
and forgive us our penalties as we forgive those who penalize against us.
Lead us not to defeat and deliver us from sadness
For thine is the MVP, the Super Bowl Ring and the Hall of Fame.
Now and Forever
GO PACK!

Truth be known, I love to make my family laugh. Do you think this worked?

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

This hasn't quit being funny.

Why we shouldn't be allowed in public

Yesterday we had another open house. Don't ask. I mean it. But the upside was that it was a beautiful day and we evacuated our premises by going to the Meijer Garden. I love that place. If it weren't here in Michigan, it'd be perfect. It's beautiful and the kids love the children's garden section.

When the Sharp family enjoys the gardens and sculpture park, however, it does take on a new twist. For example, a civilized person would refer to this picture as "Dancer Looking at the Sole of her Right Foot" by Degas. Sarge calls it "Lady with Dog Poop on her Shoe"


This lovely work of art (I forget it's real name) "Targets"


But I do think this made the butterfly's day.


We've got another open house tonight. We're heading to the lake. Pray for a buyer.

Yay For Spring!

This weather had us swinging from the trees! Literally. We've got the first nice day in at least two weeks. The sun is shining and the boys got to PLAY! Mutti even got to take a walk with a friend. Spring is back!

Where to begin...

SOB of the Week

It pains me to say this but I must bestow this week's award on Senator John McCain. Back when he had a pair, I said I would have worked tirelessly to get him elected. Yes, I'd have been a passenger on the Straight Talk Express. Now it would appear he's catering to the far-right-fundamentalist crowd and calling for Roe V. Wade to be overturned. As an adoptive mother, you'd think I'd support this, but my view is that abortion is a personal decision that legislation has no place intervening in. Overturning Roe v. Wade will serve no purpose other than to increase the number of illegal abortions. A woman and her partner should always have the right to choose. Proactive contraception should be the first choice, in my opinion, but things happen and people should be legally allowed to pursue safe options given the circumstances. What's next? The right says no birth control and we ban that too? No tubals, no vasectomies and no prescription or non-prescription contraceptives? It does seem like hyperbole, but unless people stand up and say "No!" anything is possible, isn't it?

I am deeply saddened at McCain's turn of heart. He was pro-choice and spoke from his heart in 2000 and that is why I loved him as a candidate. Now I don't know where to turn.

Monday Update
last week I did reasonably well on the five a day goal until we headed out of town on Friday afternoon. I need some suggestions on how to eat healthy while on the road - especially when staying with friends/ relatives that don't shop the same way. I did buy my own fruit on Saturday, but it was a tough weekend. Today I am back on the wagon (the 5 a day wagon) and starting Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. Wish me luck!

Notes on a Road Trip

In Three-Part Harmony: "One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer..."

The Khan: "SHUT UP!!"

Less than ten seconds to aggravation. Too easy.

In other news:

I got a camera phone. I hope to incorporate weirdness caught on film in this blog in the future. Stay tuned.

That's the weekend. De-lurk or else!

AAAHHHHH!!!! That FEELS good!

You know, I get asked all the time what it is like parenting older kids, even adults, vs. younger kids. The Khan and the Senator being four and nine with numbers 1 through 4 being 22, 19, 19 and 17 respectively. I have to say, first off, that all kids are different regardless of age and you must parent them all differently. #1, for example, is very high-strung and sensitive. Back in the day, you only had to look like she was in trouble and she'd cry. For #2, nothing was "fair". He pushed the limits more and got in more trouble - having come into my world late in the game compared to #3 and #4 - than the others did. Finally, however, he came around to my system and is now doing well. #3 and #4 are too much like me. The good part, is you can reason with them most of the time. The bad part is that they can be a real pain in the ass.

What is "my system" you ask? It's pretty simple really. My mother told me once that she figured her job as a parent was to work herself out of a job. It made sense to me so I tried to do things the same way. From the outset, #3 and #4 knew that their top priority was to go to school and work hard at it. Well, for #3 work hard might be relative but I digress. They knew that homework had to be done and grades needed to be at or above a certain level or it wouldn't go well with them. I don't mean demanding A's, by the way (although we have friends who think that we do). I mean that they had to work hard and do their best. If they worked hard and did their best and earned a "C" that would be okay. Not working hard and earning a "B" would not be okay. Does it make sense? This philosophy evolves through getting to know your kids. For example, by the time #3 was in sixth or seventh grade, I knew that if he had anything lower than a straight "B" the odds were that he hadn't turned in all his assignments for the class. On several occasions, this meant he'd get grounded for C's on his report card. The first time this happened, I was persona non grata for the duration, but he came to understand that I wasn't kidding. By high school, this was no longer an issue. I think he's better for it even if his statistics professor this semester wouldn't recognize him.

#4, conversely, either learned from her brother's trials or just was born with a work gene that came out of nowhere. Her dad is a huge slacker and I, like #3, believe that a B will do if it is easier than earning an A (well, I did in high school but by the end of my Bachelor's I'd gotten over it). She pushes herself almost too hard. She's goal-oriented and very focused on the outcome she expects. Sometimes I am in awe of her drive and her vision. All four are smart, two of them have always believed it, one is learning and the other is finally starting to believe. The Navy has been good for #2 because it is showing him what he's capable of and allowing him to show what he knows. #1 is looking beyond her current position at the store that gives me a headache and wondering what else there is. I do think she's figuring it out.

The rest of my "system" basically is giving them responsibility as they are able to handle it and using the old standard cause and effect approach. If "A" then "B" or if Not "C" then Not "D". For example, if you do not clean your room, you cannot play video games. If you do the dishes, you can use the car. Simple really. The most important thing is to help them develop judgement and critical thinking skills and to use them. The greatest gift you can give your kids is common sense. Take my word for it. And let them be themselves. Don't make them what you want them to be, rather let them become who they will. Hopefully, your careful guidance will point them along a path you can be proud of.

The Senator and the Khan have been such a welcome addition to this family. I won't say, however, that it has been a breeze. It is very different to parent a 13 year old vs. a 5 year old vs. an infant and #4 was 13 when the boys came home with us. You have to parent those ages differently and, yes, you get out of practice. Parenting an infant is very easy. Their needs are simple and, despite what other parenting bloggers would have you believe, parenting them is uncomplicated. Common sense, for us at least, does the trick. Change them when they're wet, feed them when they're hungry and love them all the time. They, by virtue of their own cuteness, get all the attention they need in a reasonably functional household. Especially in ours with five adoring older siblings along with their parents.

A five year old is a different story. The Senator is bright, funny and compassionate but he had never had parents before he had us. Having parents, believe it or not, takes some getting used to. The older siblings and little brother were no big deal for him. In his mind he had a family of 12 siblings in his orphanage group. The challenge was being loving and firm and finding the right balance between wanting to give him everything he'd missed in the last five years and not overwhelming him with the possiblities. I think, for the most part, we did okay with that. He's a video game junkie but no more so than other kids his age now. The hard part is when he gets in more trouble than normal and he still - after all these years - thinks we'll send him back. Can you imagine? I would not want to imagine life without the Senator in it.

The good and bad part of bringing older and younger kids together is the closeness that results. The older kids unanimously adore their little brothers. In fact, I think that they all get along better because of the younger two. The four of them are baptismal sponsors to the younger two and they all feel a sense of responsibility for them. Sometimes, it almost seems like the little boys have four extra parents. But the extra parents are the "cool" parents that give them brownies for breakfast (well, #1 and #3 anyway, #2 and #4 would never - they're almost as mean as the Sarge and I) and let them play Nintendo all day.

The bonds between them are so cool. #4 and the Senator get along very well. She is a bossy older sister, but that's okay with the Senator because she usually says "Yes" to Nintendo. #3 and The Khan have an idol worship type of thing happening. Because of #3's sheer size - especially compared to the Khan's - the Khan thinks his "Big Buddy" can do anything. When the Senator had a problem on the bus about a month and a half ago, the Khan thought the solution was "My Big Buddy ride you bus!" Not to worry, I don't condone physical violence of that nature. I taught the Senator some joint locks, control holds and maybe just wee bit of self defense ("let them hit first and then do this" - that's how I roll). The Senator, being mostly a pacifist, thought I was nuts. And conversely, when it comes to the Khan, #3 says that "On a cuteness scale from 1 to 1000, that kid is about ten million!"

I am really blessed to know all six of these people and have a chance to watch them grow and become really great adults. The playdough philosophy still stands, but I think it worked so far. I haven't had to squish any of the older ones and start over in quite awhile. It must mean we shaped them pretty well after their last squishing.

I do have one bit of advice for you though. When children are closer together - like the Senator and the Khan, it is better to hold one out of school until they are both ready to start. It is okay to start a 10 and a five year old together. Doing so will avoid exposing your toddler to the things that happen in the typical elementary school. Trust me. When my four year old passes gas, rather than the "Excuse Me" that we taught him at home (or blaming his brother, mother, father or the nearest pet for it - like #3 taught him) he smiles broadly and exclaims "AAAAHHH! That FEELS good!

Priceless...

"Mom you should get a job at my school."

"As what? I didn't go to college to be a teacher, you know."

"Maybe you could be a janitor or something?"

"And clean up poop all day?"

"NO MOM! BARF!!"